The Wanderer
by jinxedragon
Summary: (go to chapter that says update first) Lone wanderer, Courier 6; Shay is known by quite a few names and wanted by quite a few people. In order to escape them all he takes his chances with an experimental portal; escaping through it to what he hoped was somewhere in the United States, considering his luck however there's no way this will turn out as planned.
1. Chapter 1

_This was not how I had planned to spend the day_ , I thought as the portal flailed to life only to sputter closed for the hundredth time today. I sighed and leaned back in the chair I was currently occupying as "The Brains", as I so dearly called them, fought back and forth as to why it hadn't worked.

They were attempting to see if they could create a portal that could send me much farther than the Mojave and from the looks of it they were failing spectacularly. I was hoping I could of spent today prepping my friends for my soon to be departure but I had to leave sooner than expected when the brotherhood from the Capital Wasteland came marching into New Vegas demanding to see me.

They considered me a runaway soldier; I think they were just pissed that I stole a bunch of their shit. Either way I wasn't getting dragged back into their racist as fuck group, that preferred to control rather than help people. I'd fight tooth and nail just to make sure of it too or alternatively teleport to Big Mountain and hope to fuck The Brains could get me somewhere farther away from the Brotherhood.

It took me a minute to realize Dr. Dala hovered only a few inches away from my face. Jumping off my chair I fell to the ground with a curse.

"Oh dear… your staring off into space again," She stated with a hint of curiosity. "You know if you allowed us to look clo-"

"No," I practically growled. I had, had enough of them poking around in my head.

"Fine, have it your way," she called as she started to return to the other brains.

It seemed no matter where I went, if there was a doctor they just had this compelling need to talk about my head. A lot of them where surprised at how well I was managing to get by considering it had only been a little over a year ago that I had been shot in the head and left to die.

I had been put back together pretty well, and on the outside most wouldn't have noticed anything wrong with me at all unless they traveled with me regularly. I could hold short conversations and for the most part could still read. It took me a few months to get the hang of writing again and my hands shook too bad for me to properly shoot, so I went to the default of punching my problems away.

My attention span also took a hit, with me being sidetracked easily; only ever half finishing missions until I remembered to actually go back and finish them. It got me yelled at a few times but for the most part people didn't push me on it. I was usually the only one willing to help them and they didn't want to lose that help.

The worst of it were the blank outs, where I'd stare into space for a few minutes with no one able to grab my attention or sometimes losing days at a time. There was a time when I was talking to Arcade about something in New Vegas and the next second I was under attack by raiders with Cass in the outskirts of New Vegas. By the time that fight was over I was shaken so badly Cass didn't know what to do with me.

I never told her or anyone else what happened; I was afraid of what it meant, I was afraid that it could be something used against me. I knew I could trust my friends but I'd rather the brotherhood and everyone else not know anything. So I did what I do best, lie my ass off and it worked well, a bit too well if you ask me but who am I to complain. It only happened a few times after that and didn't seem like it'd be a major problem for me at the time.

A spark from the portal pulled my attention away from my thoughts. It seemed The Brains had finally gotten it to work.

"So where does it go?" I asked, watching the pulsing green portal.

"We don't exactly know," commented Dr. 0 as he watched the portal with weariness.

"IT SHOULD BE EXCITING THOUGH!" exclaimed Dr. Klein.

I rubbed the bullet scar on my head and sighed, a headache was already beginning to form.

"I'd like to at least know the general area of where I'm going, so I can prepare myself for what's on the other side," I began to say only to blink and realize I was no longer in the lab but surrounded by cave walls.

"Well, Fuck."

It felt like days by the time I had gotten to the entrance of the cave. Luckily nothing had taken up inhabitance in it except for a few minor creatures. Ones I had never seen before and could only be described as weird rabbits. I'd never seen a rabbit before but I had read about them and seen illustrations; if I had to guess the radiation had mutated them like everything else. The only thing was that they were still edible and surprisingly free of radiation as far as I could tell.

I brought out a water bottle from my pack and took a sip of water. I had tried my best to conserve as much water as possible but it was looking like I was running low. _Damnit,_ I thought to myself as I twisted the cap securely back on. I had no idea how long I'd have to go without water. Tia place could be barren or (if I'm lucky) might have a few irradiated streams. If I'm really lucky their won't be a hint of radiation but I doubt that will be the case.

I looked out from the mouth of the cave and did a double take. I was on the side of a mountain and below ocean waves were running along a beach and a little farther out was what looked like a city. It wasn't like anything I'd ever seen before. I mean I've seen a lot of cities but not many that looked intact and looked anything like that. I guess I can't really say shit though, considering when I first left the vault I hadn't seen buildings ever.

I looked down at my pipboy, hoping that a map might come up, only to see a dark screen. It had been on the frits since my arrival in the cave and to make matters worse the light wouldn't work at all. I had to scrounge around with a lighter hoping to find a fucking exit.

I sighed and began to unclip my arm. I remember when I had first been told the only way to get a pipboy off was to cut off your arm. I chuckled, _not entirely off base,_ as I removed my artificial arm. It looked real enough; almost everyone mistook it for the real thing, except for my friends who had all witnessed me losing it to a deathclaw.

Me and Cass had gotten roaring drunk and had decided that deathclaw eggs sounded really good right then and despite the many objections of our other companions we walked right into a nest of them. Of course we went in armed with a bunch of mini nukes and took out a fair number of them before the mother got pissed. She was on us too fast to shoot and the next thing I knew we were away from the canyon with me screaming in pain, the others trying their best to help me and Rex carrying my, slightly chewed, arm in his mouth. Needless to say I fainted on the spot.

Removing the pipboy from my arm I threw into my pack. I'd rather be seen without one then with one if it was going to not work right. A lot of people would like to get their hands on one and would be willing to kill for it. Of course without it, it limited my supplies (and weapons) but there was nothing I could do about that until after I got it working. I'd have to tinker with it later once I got to the town and got the mechanical supplies to do so.

I quickly reattached my arm, and went through the supplies in my bag; grabbing the brass knuckles. As a bonus they were hidden nicely in a pair of gloves and no one would suspect them until it was too late. They would work well enough against opponents, for the time being as long as I could get close but I'd have to stay on the offense when encountering people on the road and pray they didn't shoot first.

Grabbing my pack I began to set off down the mountain towards the beach. I'd follow the coast to the city and hope they were a friendly bunch and if they weren't I was shit out of luck.


	2. Chapter 2

I was shit out of luck and I wasn't even down the mountain yet. I had barely taken a few steps out of the cave when fucking giant half-naked assholes (with horns) showed up with giant swords. As soon as they saw me they rushed to attack and I was headed down the nearest slope avoiding a close call with a sword. They yelled after me and were quickly on my tail as soon as I hit someplace flat. _Who the fuck uses giant fucking swords,_ I thought to myself as I tripped and dodged an attack from behind.

"Holly shit you assholes are fast," I said without thinking jumping over a fallen tree and down another slope. Only to have pain suddenly burst into my face as I body slammed right into a metal plate. _My nose is definitely broken_ , I thought as I cried out in pain pulling back from what I had just crashed into.

"Maker!" came a shout from the metal plate; came from the armor, I amended, as I glanced up at the five figures in front of me.

"Form up!" the one in the front of the group shouted as she grabbed me and pushed me behind them, "Stay behind us, we'll protect you!"

I liked her immediately; she was the only one of their group of five that didn't have a helmet. She had a strong jaw and bright orange hair, and was much taller than my 5 foot 3 inch self. Honestly most people were taller than me but she was huge compared to myself but still surprisingly small compared to the giants that chased me.

I liked her even more when she blocked and cut down the first giant without so much as breaking a sweat. She kept her team closely together taking on the giants effortlessly. Before I could even recover fully from my run in with them; the giants where down and my saviors stood over me, in glinting old fashioned armor. It seemed everyone in the wasteland felt a need to attach themselves to the past. My guess is this place was attached to the dark ages.

"Are you alright?" The leader asked me.

I huffed out a laugh "I… I… I…" _Shit,_ I thought to myself. It had been a long time since I'd gotten stuck speaking, one of the unfortunate side effects of getting shot in the head, the last time had been at least a few months ago.

The leader took pity on me her voice softening as she said, "It's alright take your time. I'm Aveline Valen."

"Shay," I coughed out, sticking my hand out to shake hers. She smiled warmly and gave my hand a firm shake.

"We're headed back to Kirkwall, I'm assuming that's where you're headed as well?" She asked nodding in the direction of the city.

I nodded my head yes, too afraid to speak in case I got stuck again. I figured the bang to my head must have set it off; I'd have to wait until I recovered a bit before I tried again.

Aveline nodded her head in response and looked me over focusing on my bloody and broken nose. "Manning do we have extra health potions," she asked while still looking at my face.

"Yes, mam," one of the soldiers (I guess they were soldiers, I didn't really know) replied handing her a vial of red liquid.

"Here this should help heal that up," she added as she gave me the vial. I looked at her confused and looked back at the vial in my hand.

 _What the fuck am I supposed to do with this_ , I thought staring at the vial as the liquid seem to churn of its own accord. I looked up to see everyone staring at me oddly. Of course, for some reason, I thought the best course of action was uncapping it and drinking it in one go.

 _Worst mistake I ever made_ , I thought as the nasty liquid burned down my throat. I would have thrown up, if I hadn't passed out from the sudden pain that ruptured throughout my body.

"… do to him!?"

"Nothing … took … health potion"

I awoke to voices shouting at each other and it was defiantly not helping my killer headache.

"Please, please, be quiet," I pleaded moving my arm to cover my eyes. I hadn't felt like this since Cass talked me into a drinking game of 'How many drinks before you pass out'. Admittedly it wasn't really a game; we just wanted to get roaring drunk and see how many of our friends we could get to pass out before us.

If you're wondering, it's two; Arcade and Veronica could not hold their liquor as well as me and Cass. Of course, that meant we had to try and get Boone drunk and that failed miserably; I only remember waking up completely hungover and naked with Cass in the elevator saying something about streaking and laughing as Victor tried unsuccessfully to remove us from said elevator.

"Are you alright," orange head, _what was her name again_ , said.

"What the fuck did I drink?" I asked removing my arm to look at her and her companion only to regret a second later. I groaned rubbing my hand over my face, _wasn't my nose broken?_

"A health potion," the orange head, _Aveline that was her name_ , sighed.

"You must of had an adverse reaction to it," her companion, a blond guy in a tattered robe, began, "Not something often heard of but not entirely impossible."

"That was some 'adverse' reaction then," I snorted as I tried to sit up only to fall back a second later as a wave of dizziness hit. _Okay this was way worse than that time_.

"You should rest for the time being," blond guy softly replied, realizing noise was causing me to cringe. I grunted in response and he and Aveline left through a door to talk.

I laid back and breathed a couple times willing myself to stop spinning for a moment. _I should have just taken a stimpak,_ it would have been the smart idea instead of ingesting an unknown liquid. Sometimes I just wasn't smart; I mean I could hack a computer and hell I could even build a working robotic limb from old parts in a junkyard, but I also had a tendency to leap first and ask questions after the pain stopped hurting.

As the world began to come into a less painful focus I stared around at my surroundings. A few cots lined the inside of the building and it immediately reminded me of Freeside and the Old Mormon Fort. A doctors station for those who couldn't afford it. _They must think I'm broke as fuck,_ I snorted out a laugh _, I probably am truth be told._

That was when I shot up out of bed, and immediately regretted it. I doubled over in pain and hit the ground. Footsteps quickly came rushing towards me.

"What's wrong? What's the matter?" The blonde guy worriedly said attempting to help me back onto the cot.

"Bag," I squeaked out as I let them help me sit.

"Oh, One second," Aveline stated quickly and went to the side of another cot grabbing a bag; my bag I realized. "Here it is," she said handing the bag to me.

"Thanks," I mumbled looking through it and grabbing a stimpak. I guess I should of warned them before I stabbed myself with it but to be fair I was in pain and ready to be done with it. So I stabbed myself in the leg, to their horrified expressions, and felt instant relief.

"Welp, thanks for the help but I should really be looking for someplace to stay for the night," I began to get up only to have a shocked and confused man place a hand on my shoulder.

"What did you just do?" he asked in confusion.

"I used a stimpak," I answered confused. "No offense, but I think your 'healing potions' might be a little overpowered or full of radiation."

"What's a stimpack," blondie asked confused sharing a confused look with Aveline.

I looked at them both and really looked at them. Aveline was in armor, not put together pieces of scrap, actual good and sturdy armor. Blondie on the other hand was wearing a ragged blue robe, with feathers? _They must really be going for the dark ages here_.

"Medicine," I responded, "It's specially made for me." I lied through my teeth; if they were really going for this Dark Age shit then I wasn't going to ruin it for them. _Shit that means I won't be able to find mechanical supplies here._

"Oh…um," he didn't seem to know how to respond to that. "Can I ask what it's made out of?"

I snorted, "I have no clue."

The man seemed to resign himself swiping a hand over his face, "Well either way I'd prefer it if you stayed here for the night to make sure there's no more adverse effects."

"Alright," I agreed, I wasn't really one to turn down free boarding.

"My name is Anders by the way," he said holding his hand out to shake.

Grabbing it I replied, "Shay."

"Well Shay you should rest," Aveline began, " I have to get back to work Anders take care of him."

Anders waved her off and I decided it best to listen to her. Placing my bag next to the cot I laid down and closed my eyes.


	3. Chapter 3

*several months later*

"Goodbye son, I love you."

I woke up, a scream caught in my throat; the edges of the nightmare, of the memory, too fuzzy to remember. It'd been a long time since I had thought of my father, of life in the vault, and of the hardships of the Capital Wasteland.

The Capital Wasteland had made my 19 year old self realize how much growing up I needed to do and ultimately how fast it needed to be done. I remember the first time I had to kill someone. A lone raider had me cornered just outside Megaton; A knife in her hand as she slowly closed the space between us; her feral grin causing me to shiver. I remember pulling the trigger on her. She didn't go down quick; it took at least five shots before she slumped to the ground unmoving. I slid to the ground and held my knees to my chin as I tried my best to stop crying. It got easier after that, too easy as I slowly became numb to it.

It was worse after I got shot in the head, though. I didn't even think anymore, if they attacked I either attacked or I fled. No feelings of remorse as I looted their bodies, no pangs of guilt. I was just angry, I wanted revenge and when I got that, all that was left was a void I didn't know how to fill.

"You up or are you just going to sleep there all day?" Anders asked as he stood above me.

I had gotten used to sleeping in the clinic and helping Anders out with patients. It had been strange at first, as I realized that I was definitely nowhere near the Capital, the Mojave or any place in between. There were no signs of any machines or technology and at first I thought they had destroyed all of it to effectively simulate the dark ages. Then I had seen Anders preform magic and I wanted to scream. A mix of excitement and fear as I watched him stitch closed a gaping wound with the wave of his hand.

 _That shouldn't be fucking possible,_ I thought as I slowly backed my way out of the clinic. I ran as soon as I was out of the doors; I ran until I couldn't run anymore and finally looked at everything around me. 'Humans' with pointed ears walked by; _No_ , the thought struck me, _Elves._ Like in the books I used to read in the vault; fantasy worlds full of magic and dragons.

 _Holy Fucking Shit I'm going insane,_ I kneeled down having trouble breathing. _This is not happening, this is not happening._

"Shay! Are you alright?" Anders asked concerned, shaking my shoulder and looking down at me. I stared at him for a second before it hit me: _That's right I'm on a cot in the clinic…_ _What was I doing?_

"I'm fine," I breathed out shakily, getting up on my elbows.

"You weren't responding," Anders looked at me concerned, "and then you started hyperventilating."

"Ohh.. huh…whoops," I tried to smile, only it came out more of a grimace.

"Does this have to do with your head?" he asked softly sitting on the cot beside my own.

I snorted, "Probably, nothing you can do about it though."

"I could-"

"Fuck No." I glared at him. If 'magic' potions had, had an adverse effect I sure as hell didn't want to see what actual 'magic' would do. He held up his hands in surrender, knowing from my reaction several months ago that I was 'afraid' of magic or at least that's what I told him. The prospect of saying 'I might be from another world and all this shit is really freaking me out' didn't seem the right thing to say at the moment.

Swinging my legs to the side of the cot I got up. "I've got a few errands to run," I said, "I'll be back by nightfall."

He sighed in response, "Be careful Shay. Don't get into trouble; remember you don't know how to fight."

"I can fight!" I yelled and with a murmur added, "Just not with swords."

Anders shook his head looking at me concerned. Ignoring him I left the clinic and headed to hightown.

It seemed that no matter where I go I was destined to be running away from people. I dogged quickly through an alley as someone from behind me shouted "Thief!" Admittedly that was my response to anyone shouting that, they had no proof that I was the one who stole their gear, it was just a natural reaction.

 _I totally stole their shit_ , I smirked as I made a left to the stairs down to the merchants area. Hopefully I'd be able to lose them in the business of the market. I jumped from the top of the steps and was expecting to hit the ground, only nothing goes as expected with me.

I hit the body and we both tumbled to the ground. I quickly tried to move off only to have my arm grabbed and held in place.

"Varric did a high dragon just land on top of me?" The person below me spoke and lifted his head, our eyes meeting. His skin was a dark tan framed by spiked blond hair and bright red strip across his nose. His eyes where a piercing blue; they stared at me boring holes through me.

"What the fuck are you looking at," I growled; trying to get up only to be pulled down again. I glared at him, _who the fuck does he think he is_. If I aimed the hit right I could easily knock this asshole off of me and carry on my merry way. _I should hit him the face_.

"Oooo is someone talking about biting?" I froze just noticing his friends standing around us. Okay 4 on 1 was not ideal but-

"Get back here you thief!" I bolted or tried to bolt at least. A strong pair of hands got a grip on my shoulders, hauling me fully of the man and held me in place away from the mercs.

I squirmed until I heard, "Getting into trouble already Shay?" _Aveline_ , I sighed in relief.

We'd become good friends since we first meet. I would help her out by sending her heads up of any trouble in the city and helping heal the guard's with my medical knowledge. In return she would 'occasionally' look the other way when I may or may not have done something. I use occasionally sparingly because in the beginning I would end up in a cell for a day or two pretty often. That stopped altogether, though, when I socked her commanding officer in the face for bad mouthing her. Of course I ended up in a cell for at least a week before she was able to get me off and that was only because she somehow got his job.

"Hey, I didn't do shit," I began, "I was minding my own business when these assholes started chasing me." Which was mostly true.

The mercs finally caught up and huffed out heavy breathes. The first one, red in the face, began to accuse, "This little ingrate stole some of our gear!"

"Really, and where exactly do you think I have it hidden on me?" I asked as I pat myself down revealing that I couldn't have anything hidden on me.

"You probably ditched it when you saw us coming!" _I totally ditched it before that,_ I smirked inwardly.

I had a show to put on though so I angrily lunged at the man yelling, "I didn't do shit!" Aveline grip held me firmly in place as I weakly struggled to attack the man.

Sighing Aveline asked, "Do you have proof it was him."

The merc looked at his friends who shrugged in response and a simple "No," escaped his lips.

"Then I suggest you move along and allow the guard to handle it," Aveline stated firmly. The merc in response sputtered and threw up his hands, storming off in response; his friends close behind.

"Dickheads," I muttered to myself.

"Shay," Aveline warned as she let go of my shoulders; I turned to look at her.

"Yeah, Yeah. Thanks Av," I smirked, she hated that nickname but let me get away with it anyway.

"So 'Av', you know this high dragon that landed on top of me?" The man on the ground asked.

"And are you going to act like a damsel in distress and lay in the dirt all day?" I snarked a response.

The man laughed and proceeded to lay fully down on the ground placing his arms behind his head, "Oh no, I was thinking of taking a nap since I was down here anyway; I'm sure others would just love to land on me from out of the sky, without so much of a 'thank you for cushioning my fall'."

I snorted and rolled my eyes, "Oh thank you so much, I'd be lost without you."

"Shay where's their gear?" Aveline interrupted sending me a warning glare.

"As far as I know probably in the hands of some beggars," was my planned response, it should be good enough for Aveline.

She snorted and responded, "Well then let's hope no one happens to find these 'beggars' than, hmm." _Damn,_ I thought. I wouldn't be able to get away with getting the gear today. I decided it would probably be best not to test her patience.

"Yep, well. Gotta go… see ya Av!" I called as I began running my way to dark town. I'd have to pick up the gear either at night or at the very least a couple of days from now. Honestly I could of asked Aveline for some gear, but it just wasn't in my nature to seek out others help. Plus she would of asked why I needed it and I don't think "Because I'm planning on getting into a fight" would of helped my situation. Especially since I was planning to head back to the cave with the horned giant assholes or Qunari as I learned they were called.

For the time being I'd keep my head low and hope I didn't run into any more trouble.


	4. Chapter 4

_I'm cursed_ , I thought as a tall, tanned skin man with a shit eating grin walked through Anders door.

"So this is the high dragon's lair then?" he asked looking directly at me his grin growing even wider. It hadn't even been a full day since our run in, _how the fuck did he find me_.

"Hawke, I wasn't expecting you," Anders started to say, only to stop and look at Hawke confused, "High dragon?"

"Yes, didn't you know? You have a mighty beast in your care," he finished by gesturing toward me. I rolled my eyes and looked at Anders.

"Please tell me this dickhead isn't your friend too," I exasperated.

The man snorted, "Well that's not a very nice thing to call the person who cushioned your landing."

"I would have landed just fine if you hadn't gotten in the way," I retorted with a glare.

"Oh I'm sorry did I get in the way? I thought I was just enjoying a nice stroll through Hightown," he countered.

"Fuck off," I bit out. I wasn't in the mood for this. Anders stared at the both of us before shaking his head.

"Shay this 'dickhead' is Ebon Hawke and he is my friend, so play nice," he gave me a stern look.

"At least someone remembers my first name. Here I thought everyone forgot it," Hawke snickered giving Anders a nod. I rolled my eyes; _I'll play nice if he does_.

"Anyway the reason I came down here. I found something you wouldn't believe just walking down an alley in Hightown," Hawke began; dropping a brown bag onto a cot with a heavy clank. My blood froze, _shit_. "A bag full of misplaced weapons and armor!"

"Hawke, you always find stuff like that," Anders stated turning to continue his writing.

"That's true, but you see this time is special becau-"

"Because it looks like shit," I finished for him as I began going through the bag. I made a face as I picked through the armor; it really was shit armor. "Damn it, this shit looked better from a distance," I muttered to myself. There where dings, scrapes and torn parts of the leather; even the longsword was tarnished and dent.

"Hmm your right, this stuff is shit," Hawke said picking up a chest piece turning it in his hands, "Hope you're not planning on selling it or wearing it for that matter."

"Give me that," I said snatching the piece from his hands, "It should be easy enough to fix it up."

"You have experience with that do you?," he asked with a raise of an eyebrow. Of course I did, running around the wastes you had to learn how to fix armor and weapons. If you didn't you could consider yourself fucked when your gun jammed or a piece of armor fell off in a fight.

"Yes I do, now go away," I answered shooing him away with my hand.

"Is this how you thank everyone that helps you?" he asked trying to look hurt.

"Yes," me and Anders replied simultaneously. Hawke laughed, and waved his hand.

"Fine, I know when I'm not wanted," he looked at Anders, "Anders tomorrow I need some help running 'errands' want to tag alone?"

"Sure Hawke," Anders responded absentmindedly, focusing mostly on the paper he was writing.

"Right then, see you then," Hawke turned his gaze back to me and with a flourished bow, "and a good day to you, high dragon."

"My names Shay," I deadpanned. He smiled and waved his hand as he walked out of the clinic.

"He's going to be a pain in my ass isn't he," I stated more than asked; looking at the doorway Hawke had left through.

"You have no idea," was Anders reply.

There was a small place in low town no one went to, mostly because of rumors of bloodmages living there but I'd checked it out several times and no one came or went from the place. I slipped into the house at night, to find it empty as expected. _Time to get to work_.

I held the sword in my hand and tested its weight. _Too light_ , I thought as my right hand began to shake. I certainly had the strength to hold it, but I needed something with a good heavy weight that would help steady my hand.

I was deceptively strong, just the way I liked it, no one expected my fist to literally shatter their face and that was just with my real arm. With my fake left arm I could punch through their skull, with enough momentum behind it. _The benefits of having cybernetic enhancements_ , I thought as I threw the sword to the side. I was confident that I could do hand-on-sword combat with at least one, maybe two, opponents; anything more left me wide open to attacks. I'd have to either learn to wield a sword effectively or get people to help me. The second wasn't much of an option because I didn't want people asking questions.

I was growing paranoid, _What if the brotherhood found Big Mountaion, what if they followed me here._ I needed to do something to stop the thoughts, so I figured I'd go blow up the caves. At least than, I wouldn't have to worry about them coming from there.

I myself didn't understand why I was so afraid of the Brotherhood. From what I remembered of them they were helping the people of the Capital Wasteland; but I know something changed. Something happened to me that changed my perspective on them and everyone in the wastes. I rubbed my neck, memories hazily entering my mind only to fade away when I tried to grasp them.

 _Focus_ , I thought shaking my head. I quickly grabbed the leather armor and got to work fixing it up. Tougher to handle than cloth, but something I've worked with before.

It was a few hours later when there was a knock on the door. I froze and stared at it.

"Shay, I know you're in there," came **his** voice muffled voice from behind the door. I made a face at the door and didn't bother getting up to open it.

"Oh hello there mister guard~"

I was up and yanking the door open and pulling him inside before I could think. "What do you want?" I demanded, poking him in the chest.

"Well you see me and Aveline were talking about how you couldn't fight-"

"I can fight!" I yelled defensively.

He gave me a look, "Anyway… since you won't let her train you. I thought 'who'd be good for this job then' and then it hit me… 'Me'!"

"Fuck, No," I enunciated to make sure he effectively got it.

"hmm…yes. Good counter," he said tilting his head with a smile. This man was going to be absolutely infuriating. "I figured you'd say that, so how about this. You beat me in a fight and I'll never bother you again; however if I win than you have to let me train you."

Somewhere in my mind, there was a bunch of warning flags going up but the need to punch him in the face immediately overrode the warnings.

"Fine," I said stepping forward as I threw a punch aimed at his face, only to slip and end up on my back. The ground was suddenly very cold. Hawke stepped forward and drew his sword so it rested near my head.

"Magic's cheating," I hissed.

"So is throwing a fist at an unprepared opponent," he grinned and proceeded to sheath his sword. "So, I win then?." He held out his hand for me to grab.

Slapping it away I got up by myself. "Why does a mage know how to use a sword anyway?"

"It's called blending in, Shay, something you need to be obviously trained in."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I glared harder at him.

"It means that, if I'm able to find you so easily without Varric, you need help learning to be stealthy." He said with a shrug of his shoulders. "Anyway, let's go!"

"Wait, what?" I asked suddenly confused.

"To start your training of course!" Hawke cheerfully replied as he wrapped an arm around me and pulled me outside.

A thought suddenly occurred to me, "Whose Varric?"


	5. Chapter 5

Varric was apparently just as, if more, infuriating than Hawke was.

"So have you been having any more trouble with mercenaries, high dragon?" Varric asked as he leaned back in his chair, we were in the Hanged man waiting for Hawke to arrive. It'd only been a few weeks since Hawke had started training me. The look on his face, when I had easily picked up a great sword and said I wanted to train with it, still made me giggle. I loved it when people underestimated me.

I looked at Varric suspiciously," I haven't had any trouble at all. Not with mercenaries or with the gangs in Darktown… I wonder why," I gave him a knowing look, he responded with only a shrug of his shoulders.

I had begrudgingly come to like Varric, his stories were entertaining and he knew when to stop asking me questions. A problem some of Hawke's companions seemed to have, mainly Isabela and Merrill. Merrill I forgave because she didn't seem to catch the hints that I didn't want to talk about my past, Isabela I avoided like the plague because she was persistent, and even Aveline had started to question my past to the point that I avoided going anywhere near the guard station.

The only ones who didn't bother asking questions were Anders, Fenris and surprisingly Hawke. Hawke had surprised me, I had expected him to be the pushiest, instead he was the one who stepped forward and told his brother off for asking questions too personal. So Carver had stopped asking questions about my past and I was able to find a kind of kinship with him. We both would get together for drinks, usually to complain about Hawke, or we'd train together.

"Ugh, what's taking him so long, he should have been here ages ago," Carver grumbled into his mug of ale.

"Probably had to stop and help the needy," I laughed. _I really shouldn't say shit, since I'm the same way._ No matter where I went, whether it was the Wasteland or here it seemed people still needed other people to solve their problems. Hawke had, for the most part, taken on the role of town helper but occasionally missed a few people; who all seemed to think I was the next best thing, mostly because of my reputation of helping Anders and the guard.

I could of said no, told them to go to Hawke but I missed being able to help people. It also helped keep my mind of the paranoia. The thoughts that continued to creep into my head, that they were coming and they'd drag me back to the wasteland with them or worse they'd try to conquer this land and its magic; the thought of it made me shiver.

"So who wants to play a quick game of Wicked Grace?" Varric asked already shuffling the cards. A nod from carver and a grunt from Fenris confirmed they were in, so I nodded my head in agreement.

All it took was a blink and suddenly we were on the road outside of Kirkwall. I stopped walking, Hawke, Fenris and Carver we're ahead of me arguing over what kind of sword was best to use. Varric stopped beside me and gave me an odd look.

"You okay there, high dragon?" he asked, concern tipped his voice. I looked at him and all I could think was, _No_.

I tried to speak but my voice wouldn't come; _not again, not again, why does this keep happening?_ My thoughts raced, I needed to lie, like I always did; I needed to say I was fine because I was, wasn't I? The group ahead stopped and looked back at me, concern clear on Hawkes face.

"I'm fine," I managed to finally squeak out. "I just kind of zoned out there for a second," I breathed out a laugh. "What were we doing again?"

"Told you he wasn't listening Hawke," Varric chuckled.

"We're going to the Bone Pit," Hawke spoke, still full of concern, "Are you sure you're up to this?"

"Yeah, I remember now, we're supposed to see what's happening with the miners," I tried to reassure him, "I'm fine, like I said just zoned out a bit; happens from time to time." It wasn't a complete lie, and from the look on Hawkes face he seemed to accept it.

"Alright than, keep up," Hawke called as he turned around and continued to lead the way.

It was fucking dragons; I'd never seen a dragon before and it both awed and terrified me. The small ones weren't that bad, it was the big one that had me scared shitless. Looking at the giant fucking dragon flashbacks of deathclaws filled my head.

Deathclaws weren't as big as the dragon but they were definitely just as scary if not more, especially if there was more than one. I guess that fact that I was more terrified of deathclaws than this big ass dragon calmed me down enough for me to fight it.

Afterword's, though, I went to my knees and cursed up a storm. Everyone seemed to agree with me when I said, "Fucking shit, fucking dragon, what the fucking fuck."

"Do you kiss your mother with that mouth," Hawke breathed out a laugh holding onto the mountainside trying to keep himself righted.

"My mom's dead dickhead," I grounded out through my teeth. Hawke looked shock and before he could do something stupid, like apologize, I added, "Don't. I didn't even know her, so there's nothing to mourn."

He looked at me sadly and shook his head, "We should start heading back to Kirkwall. I'd rather us not get stuck here in the dark."

"You're right. This ground is cursed. Only wretched or ignorant souls would linger here," Fenris added righting his sword and beginning to walk towards the cave.

"I think we can all agree on that," Varric added with a huff of laughter following close behind.

"Wait… this place is cursed and you fuckheads didn't tell me!?" I yelled after them.

Hawke walked up beside me, his hand messing up my hair, "Don't worry it's just a myth."

"Myth, my ass, we just fought a fucking dragon!"

"I know, wait tell you see an actual one," Hawke grinned following the others.

"What's that supposed to mean? …Hawke? Hawke!" I yelled panicking, quickly trying to catch up with them.


	6. Chapter 6

The next few months had been filled with training and running errands. I was growing even stronger with each swing, and while I'd never have the finesse of the others I could definitely hold my own against several opponents. Before long though, Hawke had earned enough money and was soon on his way to the deep roads with Carver, Varric, and Anders in tow. Unfortunately, it hadn't even been a week since they left that the criminal element of Kirkwall came crawling out of the woodwork.

"Hand over your money, unless you want this to get 'rough'," threatened the thug who was currently in my face; four men stood behind him. I rolled my eyes at him and proceeded to punch him in the face. I could feel his bones breaking beneath my right hand; I hadn't held back.

This had been at least the fifth time this week someone had tried to mug me, and I was finally fed up with it. If they were going to try to mug me, they should get the full Shay experience of having your skull busted into pieces.

The thug I had punched fell to the ground; he wasn't going to get back up anytime soon. Before the others could react, I glared at them and said, "I'm the one filling in for the healer, do you really want to piss me off?" Several of them held up their hands in surrender and backed off; the others simply grabbed their friend of the ground and began to drag him away.

I had taken over Anders position because of my medical knowledge; it wasn't magic but it was enough to help out those who needed it. Everyone seemed to appreciate my efforts to help and because of that most thugs avoided me. Unless they were like this asshole; who had either ignored the fact that I was the healer or simply didn't know my face.

I sighed and headed towards the clinic, with everything that had been going on I hadn't had time to go back to the cave. With some help from a few, unsavory, sources I now had the means to destroy the cave; now I just had to find time to head there. Hopefully with my new skills in swordsmanship it would be a lot easier to take down the assholes guarding it.

Walking into the clinic I was surprised to find Fenris. He was holding his arm awkwardly and looked incredibly tense. He seemed to jump when I finally spoke.

"Fenris, what's wrong? Are you injured?" I asked concerned. I had taking a liking to the broody elf; we occasionally spared and he'd, surprisingly, been willing to teach me a few things. We'd also talked some but for the most part enjoyed the quiet of each other's company. We both had pasts we were running from; and neither of us wanted to really talk about it.

"… Yes, I was hoping you could look at it," he awkwardly shifted on his feet looking at me. Fenris didn't like to be touched, a feeling I understood to well, so for him to ask me to look at his wound it must have been serious.

"Alright sit down and hold out your arm," I softly said; gently taking his arm and looking at the wound. It was a long gash; it was well cleaned but was also an angry red, probably infected. It needed to be cleaned again and have stitches. "I'm going to put some alcohol on it to help clean it. It's going to sting," I warned him and added, "What happened?"

He hissed as the alcohol touched the wound, "Slavers," he grunted out through his teeth.

"Assholes," I muttered as I prepped his arm for stitches. "Why didn't you just use a health potion?"

"I… don't like the feeling of health potions," he mumbled, "If I can, I prefer to the let the wound heal normally. I hear you are much the same way?"

"It's more like an allergic reaction to the magic, I'm starting the stitches," I quickly warned, "it's not so much a choice as it's more like 'You'll probably die if you drink this again'" I said doing my best Anders impression at the end. Fenris's chuckle was interrupted with a hiss as I began to stitch up the wound. I worked quickly and soon the wound was stitched up.

"I'm guessing you killed the assholes that attacked you… Do you think there's more?" I inquired looking him in the eye; an idea was beginning to form.

"Without a doubt," he snorted.

"I can help you with the slavers," I commented and with a questioning look added, "Though, I could use some help as well, if you don't mind that is?"

He looked at me strangely, than shook his head, a small smile gracing his lips, "And what exactly do you have planned?'

"Blowing up some caves, you're not the only one with people chasing you, you know."

"And how is blowing up caves going to stop your pursuers?" he looked at me confused.

"I didn't get to Kirkwall a… 'convenient' way," I was throwing a lot of trust into Fenris, I was starting to fidget, it'd been a long time since I trusted someone. "I guess you could say it was magic. I'm just trying to make sure they don't come the way I did." I held my breath as I waited for his response.

"I'm guessing you don't want the others to know," he stated, I nodded my head. He sighed, "Then we will both not speak of this to the others; about the slavers or the caves."

"Agreed," I said holding out my hand to shake his. He chuckled softly as I added, "Especially don't tell Hawke, he'd have an aneurism."

It was a lot easier with Fenris's help; we took out the slavers as soon as we had found them and then had headed to the wounded coast. The Qunari, or I guess technically Tal-vashoth, hadn't stood a chance against us; especially Fenris who seemed to cut easily through them. When we'd finished with them I set up the charges and before anyone could say, "this is a bad idea" I blew the cave to smithereens. My mind seemed to calm a little bit but at the back of it the fear persisted.

We spent the rest of the day at Fenris's mansion, well it wasn't technically his but it might as well of been considering no one else wanted the place.

I stepped over a corpse and began to head up the stairs, "Ever going to clean up the dead bodies?" I smirked at him.

"It keeps looters away… and the guard," he responded with a smirk back.

"Oh… I thought that was Aveline's doing. I guess I should thank the corpses from now on," I smiled, sitting back in the nearest chair.

"They do seem to be underappreciated," He chuckled in response, grabbing a bottle of wine; pouring me a cup. I took the cup from him as he handed it to me and took a sip.

"So, other than that group of slavers, there's been no trouble?" I asked.

"It's been quiet for the most part, and I doubt that those slavers were sent by Danarius," he commented leaning back in his own chair, "They probably saw my marks and thought they could make quick coin off of me."

"You know… If you ever want to talk…" I glanced at him. I was good at listening, I'd done it plenty of times in the wasteland helping people talk about the difficulties they had gone through, I rubbed my neck, something no one had offered for me. Fenris stared at me for a moment.

"… I might offer you the same," he said quietly. I looked at him, not exactly shocked, just a bit surprised he had offered.

"It's from a bomb collar," I heard myself saying, "They put it on to tight and it ended up biting to far into the skin."

"A 'bomb' collar?" he asked, looking a bit horrified.

"Yeah… where I'm from they put it on slaves so that when they run… well they don't escape alive," I was staring at the glass in my hand now.

"So you were a…"

"Yes, a lot of the parts are fuzzy but from what I remember I had been sent to save a kid from the slavers. It all went to shit though; I ended up a slave instead, and wasn't able to escape until at least a year had passed," I was shaking, parts of memories floated through my mind. All of the important parts incomplete, and the horrifying parts clearly intact.

I gulped down the wine in my cup, and Fenris, instead of pouring me another cup, handed me the entire bottle. I took a big gulp from that too, the shaking beginning to steady.

"I only remember the bad shit from it," I said barely above a whisper, "The whole experience ruined my trust in people for the longest time."

"Are they the people after you," Fenris spoke softly.

"No…no, they're all dead. I made sure of that," I stopped a moment, taking a deep breath, "The people after me are just assholes that want to drag me back into their crusade."

We sat there in silence for a long time after that. I watched as the candles burned down, "Thank you, Fenris… Also can we keep this just between the two of us."

"Of course Shay, I won't breathe a word of it to anyone," Fenris said standing up, "there's a bedroom free of corpses on the left, if you want to stay the night." He turned and began to head to his own bed.

I grabbed the bottle of wine and went to the room; I chugged it willing my thoughts to go away.


	7. Chapter 7

"Shay, there you are," Aveline spoke calmly as she approached me. _Shit_ , I was cornered and there was nothing I could do about it. I had started avoiding Aveline since she started asking questions about my past, something she most definitely did not appreciate.

"So, do want to explain why you're avoiding me?" she stood firmly between me and escape.

"Avoiding you? No… I haven't been doing that," I thought quickly, "I've been more or less avoiding Isabel, though. You two do surprisingly hang out a lot, you know."

"You've been avoiding anyone who begins questioning your past," she stated, staring me down. _Damn, she has me there._

I sighed, "Listen Av, my past isn't all fluffy bunnies and rainbows. It's something I have a hard time talking about and remembering." There was no way to avoid the conversation; I'd have to tell her something. "What do you want to know, exactly?" I asked with a cringe.

She sighed, a hand going to her forehead, "I'm not trying to interrogate you Shay. I'm just trying to get to know you."

"Oh, well…um… I'm from a dessert?" I supplied with a shrug of my shoulders. She looked at me exasperated.

"Was that a question?" she huffed out a laugh and a shake of her head.

"It's complicated," I responded, "Where I'm from… it's not a good place for people. It's… I guess you could call it a wasteland."

"Alright… this 'wasteland' have a name?" she asked.

"We pretty much just called it that. It's not really a place you find on a map, let alone go to of your own free will," I said leaning my back against the wall. We were in a pretty discrete corner; no one would pay us any mind.

"I take it, that you were forced to be there then?" she said crossing her arms. She was way too perceptive for her own good.

"Something like that; my dad had run off and I was forced to follow him there," If we were doing this I wasn't the only one who was going to answer questions, "What about you, where are you from?"

"Shay, you already know I'm from Ferelden." I shrugged my shoulders in response to her; I did but I didn't want to be the only one answering questions. "Where did you learn to heal from?"

"My dad, he was a doc- Healer. He wanted me to be one just like him, but nothing ever really goes as planned," I looked at the ground; I didn't like talking about my dad. Not because I hated him or anything; it just, still hurt knowing he wasn't coming back.

"No, it never does. Does it?" She said sadly. I remembered hearing how her husband had died, how Hawkes sister had died. It seemed even in this world no one was given time to mourn those who had been lost; not until years after their death.

Hawke had recently been going back on it more and more often; drinking more than usual. I knew he blamed himself for her death, just like Aveline blamed herself for her husband's death, just like how I blamed myself for my dad's death. I knew what it was called, survivors guilt, it didn't really help with dealing with it.

"How are you doing?" I asked softly.

"Better," she said, leaning up against the wall next to me. "What happened to you dad, Shay?'

"He died trying to be the hero," I stopped a second, taking a breath, "He's why I help people; at first it had just been about the ca-Coin. Wondering when my next meal was going to be, if I'd survive the next fight. Than dad had died trying to help people, he died trying to help me. It was like a light switch had been flipped."

"He sounds like he was a good man," she commented and softly added, "Sounds like he raised a good son, too."

I glanced at her and smiled softly, _if only you knew all the terrible things I've done, you wouldn't be saying that_. "Thanks, Av," it still had made me feel better.

"Shay," Aveline suddenly looked at me in confusion, "What's a light switch?"

"Wow, will you look at the time! I have somewhere else I need to suddenly be!" I practically shouted, running as fast as I could away from her.

My arm was on the fritz and it didn't seem to want to move. I sighed; _I'm going to have to fix it_. I grabbed my bag and began looking through it for tools; placing them on my self-made workbench as I found each of them.

I had made the 'haunted' and blood mage filled house my own awhile back. It was a perfect place to store my things since everybody avoided the place like it was infested with deathclaws. It also meant I'd have privacy; a place away from prying eyes.

I had at one point tried to fix my pipboy but all I had gotten from it was a static screen. I had idly wondered if maybe magic was interfering with it but if that was the case why did my arm (for the most part) work fine, along with all my mods that helped enhance my abilities. Maybe it had just finally kicked the bucket.

After placing my tools on the table I began to take off my shirt to give me easier access to my arm, only to be interrupted halfway through by a woof whistle. _Isabela_.

"Wow, do you even eat?" she asked with a smirk across her face as she leaned in the doorway to my workshop area.

"What do you want Isabela?" I asked in a huff. My shirt hanging over my left arm; hiding the clear scar and joint area. I wore long sleeves for a reason; it hid the fact that my arm was clearly attached to my body.

"I just wanted to drop in and say hi, short stuff," she teased. She knew I hated that, which is why she continued to call me that.

"Hi, bye," I grounded out through my teeth. Don't get me wrong, I liked Isabela, she just had a tendency to show up at the worst possible times. Like now, with me trying to hide my arm and left with no way to hide my chest scars.

She glanced over me, her eyes catching on the scars and moving to the one on my side, "Looks like something took a chunk out of you, didn't it?"

"Yeah that tends to happen when you're fighting monsters," I stood still, too afraid to move the shirt.

"And the other ones?" she asked with a quirk of her eyebrow. I ran my right hand over them.

"The only ones I'll never regret," I stated simply. "You didn't come here to check me out, Why are you here?"

"I may have found a lead on my relic and I remember you saying you'd be willing to help with that," she crossed her arms and smiled, "so what do you say, want to go on an adventure?"

I sighed rubbing my right hand over my face, _I knew I was going to regret that_. "All right, can you give me a couple days?"

"Of course short stuff," she smirked and began to leave, "Make sure to remember to eat!"

I let out a breath as the door closed and locked. _One of these days she's going to give me a heart attack_ , I thought as I resumed work on my arm.

" 'It'll be easy, we'll be in and out before you know it', " I mocked as I sliced through the legs of a giant spider. If anything could be said about this 'adventure' it was that deathclaws were no longer my biggest fear because I had discovered spiders.

For the life of me I couldn't remember if we had spiders in the wasteland, a part of me was glad for that because if spiders are this big here, than they'd be fucking giants with radiation added to the fucking mix.

I grunted as I suddenly stopped, my right leg stuck in white sticky shit. "Issie, I just want you to know that I fucking hate you so much right now!" I yelled trying to hack myself free.

"Oh, it's just some spiders," she was suddenly next to me stabbing one in the head, "Really; it's not that big of a deal."

"Giant fucking spiders that can take your fucking head in one bite; motherfucker what is this shit!?" I exclaimed at the shit covering my leg.

"It's webbing, here wait a second," she said finishing the last spider. She grabbed a small bottle from her cleavage and began to pour it around my foot. It sizzled through the webbing and allowed me to break my foot away. "Acid," she said with a grin, handing me the bottle.

"I'm still mad at you," I stated, putting the bottle in my pack. She pouted at me, and then smirked as she began to look through the small area of the cave.

"What are we even looking for?" I asked sitting against a cave wall.

"A relic," she said cheerfully.

"Your worse than me, you know that right? Why do you even persist in asking me questions, if you're not going to answer any yourself?" I glared at her.

She stopped moving for a second and then looked at me, "The difference is that I know I'm not going to hurt my friends," She stood up and walked over to me, "You though… you came out of nowhere; not even Varric can find anything about you. No one knows who you are and no one knows what you'll do." She was squatting in front of me now.

"And if you so much as think about hurting Hawke or the others, you'll have to deal with me," She threatened.

I looked her in the eye, "You really want to know? I'm here because I didn't want to get dragged into a crusade that was going to hurt a lot of people. I'm here because, like everyone else, I have a past chasing me." I stood up and stared her down, "I've left friends behind countless times and you should without a doubt expect me to turn tail and run as soon as my past starts creeping its way here."

"So that's what you're going to do, then? Turn tail and run, letting us think your dead or kidnapped?" she asked angrily.

"It wouldn't be the first time I'd have done it… the less you all know about me means that 'they' won't bother you and the faster they'll leave you alone if they think I just left without a word."

"And whose 'they'?" she seethed.

"Who'd you steal the 'relic' from?" I countered. I'd done my research; she'd been in the same storm as the Qunari it wasn't hard to put two and two together.

She gaped at me, shocked by the question, "That's not what we're talking about-"

"No Issie, if we're going to talk about betraying our friends than we need to talk about you too. You have a history of betrayal, I don't." I did but none that she knew of.

"I-"

"You 'did it for a good reason' right? Listen, there's shit you'd rather not discuss right? Well I don't want to fucking talk my past either!" I stormed out of the cave. I was angry at her, I was angry at myself; we both knew that when the time came we'd both run, we both knew that we were going to hurt our friends. I just don't think either of us was ready to accept the reality of it. We avoided each other after that, at least until Hawke came back.


	8. Chapter 8

One of the side effects of being shot in the head is the inability to think things through before you actually do them; something I without a doubt suffered from. So when some asshole had started to reach for Merrill at the Hanged man I didn't think I just punched. I didn't expect him to be a fucking Templar.

My hand grabbed his wrist, pulling his body and face towards my other fist. It connected with his jaw and I could already see in his eyes that he was down for the count; his buddies stood up and rushed me.

"Do you have any idea who we are!" one yelled at me. _Nope_ , I thought as I ducked and kneed the fuckface in the groin. He keeled over in pain; the other three started to reach out grabbing my arms. I easily slipped out of their grasp stomping on one foot and head butting the other guys chin. That one hurt me a bit more than I expected and was stunned for a second, giving enough time for the last guy to wrangle me to the ground, holding me down.

I started to panic fighting vigorously against his grasp. The dickhead above me laughed, only to have a staff slammed into the back of his head. Merrill sheepishly gave me a smile and helped me to my feet.

"That's Enough!" Aveline commanded as she and several guards entered the hanged man, Knight Commander Cullen behind her.

"What's going on here?" the Knight Commander demanded, sending a stern look to the men I had fought.

"This kid just attacked us out of nowhere, Sir," the fuckface said.

"Who the fuck you calling a kid!" I shouted and attempted to leap towards him, only to be stopped by a firm set of hands. "That asshole was trying to cop a feel," I said motioning towards the one who was still out cold on the ground. "I just gave him what he deserved when these other dickheads decided to join in."

"Guard Captain," the Knight Commander looked like he was already getting a headache.

Aveline sighed in response, "Shay I'm taking you in for attacking a Templar. As for you Knight Commander, I suggest you discipline these men."

"I assure you they will be," he responded sending the men a glare. Two of Aveline's guards grabbed my arms and began to drag me off to the prison.

"Umm… Actually it wasn't just Shay," Merrill piped up, "I hit one too…" I wanted to hit my head into the nearest wall. No Merrill, I mouthed.

"Aveline groaned and placing a hand on her head, "Alright Merrill you're going with Shay than."

"Ok," she said cheerfully.

Aveline placed us in the same cell and we spent the night talking to each other. Aveline released us the next day.

Merrill reminded me of a child who grew up in the wasteland. She still had an innocent youth about her but at the same time she knew exactly what she was doing. She was someone who wouldn't hesitate to stab you if you hurt her friends and at the same time she'd also be someone to give candy to a complete stranger.

Like now, she was trying to talk the person trying to rob her into having tea with her. The man was getting flustered unsure what to do, until he finally threw up his hands in frustration and left.

"Wait, don't you want some tea?" Merrill called after him.

"I don't think he wanted tea Merrill," I laughed coming to stand beside her.

"Oh, Shay! What are you doing in the alienage?" she asked looking confused.

"I was actually just checking up on you, making sure you're alright," I shrugged, "Though I don't know why I worry so much. You certainly know how to handle yourself."

"Of course I do! If I didn't I don't think Hawke would let me go on adventures with him," she stated.

I shook my head with a smile, "You know tea does sound good right now, I'll join you if you don't mind."

"Oh that would be lovely," she said happily leading the way to her house. As soon as we were inside the interrogation started.

"I heard you and Isabella are mad at each other," she said offhandedly, "You know it's not good to stay mad at friends." She gave me a pleading look. She hated it when any of us fought.

"I'm not 'mad' at Isabella. I'm just…Frustrated with her," I took a seat next to the fire, "and myself." I sighed, thanking her as she handed me some tea.

"We just need some time to think, we'll be friends again before you know it," I said trying to reassure her.

"I hope so, you and Isabella seem like you'd make such great friends," she said taking a sip of tea.

"There had been a person in our clan I hadn't gotten along with… we disagreed a lot but ultimately he always tried to look after me," she was silent for a moment, "I think he wanted to be friends but was too stubborn to admit it."

"What happened to him?" I heard myself ask.

"He was sick and forced to join the grey wardens. We kicked him out of the clan just to make him go," she looked down at her tea her face scrunched in pain, "He didn't deserve that… He loved our clan so much…"

"From what I've heard though, he's alive and well," A small smile graced her lips, "He sent our clan a letter awhile back saying he missed us and he was sorry for how he acted. He thanked us for giving him the chance to live."

"I miss him sometimes, he was grumpy but he was also fun," she breathed out a laugh.

"I left a bunch of friends behind," I said softly. "They don't know what happened to me and I regret not telling them…"

"I'm sure wherever they are, they know," Merrill responded giving me an assuring smile.

"Oh, they most definitely figured it out by now," I laughed, I wouldn't doubt it. Veronica probably went back with the brotherhood, found out and then proceeded to tell everyone else.

"Thanks for the tea Merrill," I said placing my cup down.

"Anytime Shay," she smiled at me happily.

I left her house thinking of the friends I had left behind.


	9. Chapter 9

Hawke had been gone over 3 months now. We had expected him and the others to have returned by now, a smile on their faces and stories to tell. We waited day after day but were given no sign that they were alive or dead.

Anders had been the first of the group that I encountered. I had been cleaning the clinic, preparing for another long night. People had been coming in more and more often. Sick with something I couldn't cure, only alleviate with some poultices, all made without magic.

Anders trudged through the doorway of the clinic; he looked haunted, tired and hungry. Large bags were under his eyes and he seemed a bit thinner than usual. He stumbled in, looking up and catching my eye.

"What happened?" I questioned, worry crossing my face as I hurried to his side. He held up his hand waving off my help.

"A lot," he sighed moving over to a cot and placing his heads in his hands.

A worry began to gnaw at me, "Did someone die?" I heard myself ask, horror creeping into my throat.

"Not exactly… We lost Carver. He's alive for now but we don't know if he'll survive the…" Anders paused rubbing away the headache that was clearly forming.

"Survive the what?" panic creeped into my voice.

"Survive becoming a grey warden," he said with finality.

I looked at him in panicked confusion, "What the fuck is a grey warden?!" That was clearly the wrong thing to say. Anders stared at me like I had mutated and grown a second head.

"Shay, you don't know what a grey warden is?" he asked entirely confused.

"No… not really…Should I?" I asked looking incredibly shifty. _Fuck I should have done more research on this world_ , I thought panicking. I had gotten so caught up in helping everyone else out that I didn't realize I hadn't really solidified a story of where I came from. I mean I gave hints and pieces but not enough for them to really figure out a place of origin.

"You know.. end the blight, save the world, fight the taint?" He said looking at me in utter confusion.

"Anders no matter what you say… I'm still not going to know shit about it," I said slowly, my body moving as sarcastically as possible. "Is Carver going to be alright?"

He looked at me sadly, "No, he'll never be alright again."

The talk with Anders had been frustrating; in the end I'd walked out of the room to clear my head. From what I gathered from the conversation Carver was never going to come back dead or alive. Apparently that wasn't the only bad news, as Varric's brother had betrayed them causing the whole situation.

I sighed rubbing a hand over my face. _I should check in with Varric and Hawke_ , I thought with a hint of dread. I didn't know what to say to them, I didn't know how to help them with the pain of betrayal and loss. I'd been through it all myself, but I personally had no clue what to say. _What would I had preferred someone say_ … _honestly nothing_. I would've just told the person to fuck off.

I groaned, my hands covering my face. I was just going to avoid them for now and I did. I avoided them for a week until Hawke came barreling into my home looking incredibly pissed off.

"Where the Fuck have you been?" he demanded. I looked at him shocked, I'd never heard him outright curse before.

"Wow, you can curse," I stated looking at him surprised. My mouth seemed to be taking a liking to the taste of foot.

Hawke fumed, "You've been missing since we arrived back in Kirkwall. No one's been able to find you for the past week and way the fuck is your head bleeding?!" He stared at my forehead as blood dripped down from my scalp.

I maybe took the avoiding part a bit too far, I literally left Kirkwall and had been on Sundermount for the last week. I might have also encountered a very angry group of slavers who had been looking for their previous group. They more or less took a lot more work than necessary to take down, leaving me with several deep gashes across my body. I had come back home to care for the injuries and got most of them bandaged and hidden from site. All except the one I had clearly missed.

My hand touched my forehead trying to feel where the blood was coming from. It didn't hurt but that could be because I had a couple of drinks to numb the pain; which is why I missed the wound.

"Sit down," Hawke said with a sigh of frustration. "Here let me see," he batted my hand away from my forehead. I stiffened as his fingers touched my head. "It doesn't look deep… hand me the poultice."

I grabbed the poultice and stiffly handed it to him. He didn't seem to notice how quiet I'd gotten. I could handle quick touches but for the most part I handled all my medical needs; anything more sent me into a slight panic.

Fear unwillingly creeped up my neck as he touched the poultice to my forehead. I jerked back, staring at him in fear; panic making its way through my body. He immediately stopped and stepped back. He made no more moves toward me, letting me quietly calm myself.

"Sorry," I whispered, gulping down the bile in my throat.

"No don't worry; I should be the one apologizing… I just saw blood and reacted," Hawke calmly spoke moving to sit across the room from me.

I breathed out a laugh, "You don't have to move that far away, I promise I won't bite."

He shrugged his shoulders in response, "Just wanted to make sure I gave you enough room." He stayed where he was letting me take over placing the poultice on the wound. "So, what happened?" he asked, crossing his arms and leaning back.

"Got into a fight," I said nonchalantly, it was partway true. Hawke hmphed and rolled his eyes.

"Obviously, with who? Someone on Sundermount, perhaps?" he studied my reaction. _Fuck_.

"I thought you came in here to demand where I've been," I stated glancing over at him. He didn't look as angry as before just disappointed.

"Varric was the one who found out you were on Sundermount and had recently stopped by your house, so I came here wondering why you've been avoiding everyone for the past week," he looked at me expectantly.

"What do you want me to say, I'm not good at the whole I'm sorry your brothers gone forever thing," I said now avoiding eye contact.

"So you thought running off to Sundermount was a better idea, than just stopping by giving your condolences?" he sounded bewildered.

"I don't really think things through before I do them Hawke," I placed my hands in my lap wringing them. "I just… I just went with my thought that you and Varric needed time alone."

He snorted, "Trust me we had enough time in the deep roads to deal with it." I heard him stand up, "listen next time, just come say 'Hi, I'm still alive. Just checking to are sure you are too' and I'll be happy with just that." Hawke was in front of me now, a few feet away.

"Hi I'm still alive," I repeated. He left out a laugh.

"Good to know. I'll come check on you in the morning, I hope you'll still be here by then," he said pleadingly. I looked up and looked him in the eyes; they looked at me softly and I could feel my heart in my throat.

"I'll be here," I whispered. He smiled and nodded his head; leaving with a wave of his hand.

Update: So chapters are going to be a bit shorter and won't be updated as often this month because I'm participating in Nanowrimo. I've decided that instead of doing a fanfic for it, i'm going to try my hand at world building. The book that I'll be working on is Magic Artificial which can be found on my Ao3 account here: /works/8447350/chapters/19353271

For those of you interested it is a Dark Urban Fantasy and I'd love to have feedback on it.


	10. Chapter 10

And here I stayed for a year, Hawke somehow convincing me to stay longer than I had planned. I could have just left; I should have just left. Staying in one place to long was bound to bring myself trouble and I knew I had overstayed my welcome in Kirkwall.

Kirkwall itself had mostly calmed down, there were still tensions rising; especially among the Qunari, but for the most part criminal activity seemed to take a dive with Hawke and the gang around. They had everything under control, they didn't need any help; they didn't need my help.

Yet, Here I sit, waiting for Hawke in his newly acquired home. Leandra had worked hard to get their family home back and it helped that Hawke had come home with enough money to make it all happen. It'd taken a year of fighting but she'd won, and she was currently the happiest person of earth, or whatever this place is called.

I sat sideways in a large chair, my legs hanging over the arm of the chair, next to the fire flipping through a book that I'd seen lying around. It wasn't the most interesting book, something about the Dark Wolf who had terrorized Denerim stealing from wealthy nobles. The book was full of theories of how and why the Dark Wolf had done it. There were also several speculations in the book of who it was; one theory even claimed it had been the hero of Ferelden but the author of the book had laughed it off stating 'someone so noble would never do such a terrible thing.' I snorted a laugh at that, there was no such thing as too noble. If you had to stoop to thievery to survive, you did it.

"Interesting book?" asked a voice from behind me.

"It would be, if this asshole didn't right off every theory as impossible," I muttered leaning my head back to look at Hawke. "Nice place you've got here."

He grinned, his arms crossed and looking at me like I'd just done something hilarious, "I'm so glad you like it seeing as you seem to have already made yourself at home before we officially moved in."

"Just keeping the slavers out," I nonchalantly replied as I flipped the page of the book. I'd stopped reading but that didn't mean I couldn't pretend.

"Yes you seem to make a great watchdog, are you looking to replace Sir Barksalot?" He asked with a laugh. Sir Barksalot, barked from the other room and came rushing in at the sound of his name. He didn't bother seeing who had said his name; he immediately jumped onto my lap squashing me into the chair and causing the book to fly out of my hands.

"Omph… seriously dog you are too big for this," I cried out trying to push him off only to be covered in slobbery kisses. "Hawke, Save Me!" I cried out, laughing.

"Alright you've had your fun Sir Barksalot, now off you go," he grunted as he helped push the dog off of me. Sir Barksalot whined, sitting still on the ground and waiting to be pet.

"Ugh, gross," I complained as I whipped my face off with my shirt.

"Like that's the worst thing you've been covered in," Hawke laughed picking up the book from where it had fallen, while also leaning to pet the dog on the head. I laughed, it certainly was not the worse but it was still gross.

"Wouldn't you like to know," I wiggled my eyebrows at him.

"Ew, No that's not what I meant," he laughed, "Maker you and Isabela are the worst you know that?"

"Of course we do, were trying to see who the worst is. I think I'm in the lead," I grinned at him.

"No you're not," he grinned back.

"No I'm not, Isabela is really good at what she does," I lamented.

"I'm glad you two are getting along again, you had us all worried there," he looked at me somberly leaning against the fireplace.

"Don't worry we'll be at each other's throats again in no time," I shrugged with a grin, in all honesty it was probably true too. Hawke was about to respond back when we heard a click.

Sir Barkslot turned on a dime growling at the entranceway of the house. I moved grabbing my sword that I leaned against the wall; Hawke pulled his longsword from its sheath. We watched the entryway; the only sound coming from Sir Barksalot. No one else was supposed to be coming by. Hawkes mother should still be gathering her things; Bohdan and Sandal helping her.

They came crashing through the door; a group of carta dwarves, looking incredibly pissed, came rushing in. One let out a yell, something about the blood of Hawke. _You sure as hell ain't getting it_ , I thought as I rushed them.

They weren't the most experienced people we'd fought but they didn't seem to want to go down. I slashed my sword only to be met with air as they quickly evaded my attacks. Hawke grew frustrated enough that he finally through his sword down and summoning a freezing blast that froze our opponents. I took the opportunity and cut them down while I had the chance.

"You could have left one alive, you know," Hawke breathed out, his hands on his knees.

"These fuckers were pissing me off," I commented leaning on my great sword.

"Well let's hope that was the end of them," Hawke said standing up, glaring at the corpses littering the floor.

It wasn't the end of them though; they continued they're assault off and on for the next couple weeks. We couldn't figure out why they were coming after Hawke, even Varric had been stumped unable to find answers as to why the Carta was out for blood.

Than Carver had shown up, it had been a heartwarming moment; Hawke and Leandra in tears as they hugged him. It was nice up until the reason he had come; he'd been attacked as well and he had information on where they were coming from. So Hawke, Carver, Varric, Fenris and me left to put a stop to the attacks. Only nothing ever turns out that easy.


	11. Chapter 11

"You know what, I fucking hate being underground," I yelled as I slice through a darkspawn that came running at me.

Hawke chuckled as he sets a group of nearby darkspawn on fire, "Get in line!"

"I am the mother fucking line," I muttered to myself completely disgusted. I discovered something incredibly important these last few days.

One darkspawn were fucking gross creatures that we all (except carver) had to be extra careful about.

Two I now had a problem with being underground because darkspawn are fucking gross creatures who apparently live there.

Three This is somehow all Hawkes fault, or at least his dads fault. Either way I was going to blame him until we got out of this mess.

"Will you two stop bitching and focus on killing the darkspawn," Carver barked out as he cleaved a darkspawn in two.

"Awww I think Jr. finally got his fangs," Varric chuckled shooting the last of the darkspawn through the head.

"But Carver's human Varric why would he have fangs?" Merril asked leaning on her staff, her confused look passed quickly as she began to understand, "Oh wait never mind I got it."

"You know I'd like to know who this "Corypheus" is the dwarves kept talking about. With a name like that, I know he's bound to go "Muahaha" at some point, I just know it. And really? More blood? Why can't it ever be spit or a lock of hair?" Hawke said as we continued into the passage.

"You really want to encounter a spit mage?" Varric looked as disgusted as I felt about it.

"Hawke No," I said with an exasperated sigh.

"Why not? We could use the variety," he replied looking back to give me a grin.

"I worry about you, you know," Carver said with an equally exasperated sigh.

We laughed and continuing on down deeper into the underground. Untill we reached another set of 'locks' that Hawke had to open.

We paused for Hawke and Carver to hear their father's words and Varric walked up and asked me, "So you and Hawke, huh?"

"Me and hawke what?" I looked at him confused.

"You can't tell me you expect no one to notice the puppy dog eyes you give each other."

A blush quickly spread up the back of my neck, "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Right, I'm sure Hawke has no clue as well," Varric smiled smugly.

I sighed, looking over at Hawke as he talked to his brother. "Okay maybe it's something, but you can't tell him."

"You secret is safe with me," Varric winked , "Though I expected you to be a more of a take what you want highdragon."

I rolled my eyes, of course Varric would think that and in all honesty he'd be right if I had developed feelings for anyone else. Hawke was different though, he was kind, too kind in my opinion. Which meant that I would only end up hurting him in the future.

I sighed and looked at Varric with my resting bitch face. He seemed to get the point and he held up his hands in surrender. Now we just had to focus on stopping this Coruphyshit.

Why did nothing we do ever go as planned, I thought as pain laced through my body. Corfyfuck was being a pain in the ass to kill. And to make matters worse my artificial arm was now across the way and I was on the ground writhing in pain.

"Shay!" Hawke screamed trying to reach me only to be stopped by a wall of rocks.

I tried to answer but only a scream ripped through my throat as another wave of lightning hit me.

 _Pain there is so much pain, I think this is the worse pain I've ever experienced_. I thought as I tried to stand only to whimper in defeat as my legs collapsed beneath me.

"Hang in there highdragon!" Varric yelled from somewhere. I couldn't tell anymore everything was getting blurry.

I closed my eyes only to open them with Hawke shaking me, saying something.

Please I just want to sleep, I think as my eyes close again only to have my face suddenly sting.

"Ow, what the fuck!" I yell opening my eyes and looking into Hawkes eyes.

He laughed hysterically, "Shay you need to stay awake, alright, you need to stay awake until I heal you."

"No, magic…" I murmured trying my best to stay awake.

"I've got to Shay, you're missing an arm and you've got sever internal damage," Hawke looked so upset, why is he upset again?

I started to giggle because it was so funny to be worried about my arm, "It's fake." I giggled some more.

"Yes and we'll have a nice long talk about that after I've healed you."

That's when pain exploded through my body again and I screamed. I lied before this is defiantly this worse pain I've ever been in.

"hold…down" someone yelled, I couldn't tell who though. Everything is fuzzy, I think as my eyes close.


	12. Chapter 12

_Pain, why is there so much fucking pain._

I groan and try to open my eyes only to find darkness. "what the fuck?"

I hear a rustling and quickly my eyesight returns as a rag is removed from them. "Hey there highdragon," Hawke whispers softly. His eyes are puffy and he looks worse than I feel.

"You look like shit," I groan out as I try to sit up. He chuckles and helps me rest my back against the wall behind me.

"I'll take that as a compliment considering how you look," he smiles brightly at me.

"that bad, huh."

"Yeah," he seems to sober at that thought. "Shay I… We almost lost you."

I let out a breath, of course I almost fucking died that seems to be a part of my resume at this point. I try to move my arm to reach towards him but I don't feel anything. Quickly I look down and all I can see are sparks from the elbow down. "Shit"

Noticing where I'm looking Hawke grimaces, "Yeah, we weren't sure what to do with that…"

I look at him and sigh in defeat and proceed to remove the rest of my arm, "well remember when I said I'm not from around here, I meant I'm most likely not from this world."

He stares at me intensely as I set the rest of my arm down on the ground. I take the time to look around while he seems speechless and notice everyone else seems to be somewhere else.

"Listen, I know it sounds crazy but it's the truth. I'll tell you everything you want to know but right now only you and the others with us can know," I stare at him trying to get my point across.

He hesitates a moment before he says, "Alright… where are you from and how exactly did you get here."

"I'm from a place called earth, it's… similar to here but no magic. I got here through science, I had help creating a portal that transported me here."

He sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose, "I'm not sure I can completely understand this." He takes a moment before continuing, "Why did you come here?"

"I was running from some bad people…Admittedly it was only supposed to take me to somewhere on my planet but that's not how it turned out." I shrugged, after all shit happens.

"Will these people follow you here?"

This time I'm the one to hesitate, "I… I honestly don't know."

A silence comes up between us and were not sure what to really say to each other. What can we say, after all.

Hawke stands and starts to pace the room we're in. "Hawke," I say defeatedly.

"No more secrets," he says sharply and turns to me. "This is serious Shay, we don't fully know what will hurt you like how magic does. Not to mention these people that are after you."

I almost want to groan in frustration. Of course, the thing he's upset about is my safety. "No more secrets," I say, "If that's the case you should know of my undying love for you," I snicker but he's having none of it.

"Shay this is serious."

"Hawke…Ebon I've got to have some secrets, not dangerous ones just private ones," I look at him pleadingly. "You'll know them eventually just not right now."

He breathes in and out for a second before his focus is back on me, "Alright, but no dangerous secrets anymore."

I nod my head in agreement and he finally sits down beside me. We sit there listening to silence.

"So… a fake arm… that sparks… huh," Varric comments almost immediately, as he and the others enter the room we're in.

"Yep," I respond without further detail.

"That's it, then, no explanation or anything," Varric frowns sitting beside the fire.

I sigh and wait for Carver and Merrill to take their seats. "Listen what I'm about to tell you can only stay between us right know." I look between them all, and they nod in agreement, though I do notice Carver roll his eyes.

"I'm from… another world," I cringe as I look at them. Carver immediately scoffs only to receive a glare from Hawke. Merrill's eyes light up and looks at me with wonder and Varric looks at me oddly.

"What kind of world!?" Merrill asks excitedly leaning forward, as if she were afraid she'd miss a word.

I laugh, "A halfway dead one." I pause for a second and then begin to explain, "We…killed our world… sort of… I mean it's still finding a way but it's full of radiation and monsters…." I trail off not sure really how to explain any of this.

"Is that why you left? Because it was dying?" Merrill, looks more and more interested, "How did you get here?" she suddenly asks as the thought strikes her.

"Um no I left my world on accident and we used science to get me here."

Before Merrill can ask more Varric interrupts, "We?"

"Yeah, me and a few scientists… Um I guess they'd be like alchemists here? Maybe?...I don't know," I shrug and look at him apologetically.

"You can't seriously be believing this," Carver looks around at them and focuses on Hawke.

"Well do you have a better explanation?" Hawke raises his eyebrow looking at Carver skeptically.

Carver pauses and looks back at me until finally he sighs, "No, I honestly don't."

"Listen Carver, I don't expect anyone to believe me, but this is the truth. I know it's hard to accept and honestly if you accept it as fast as Hawke did that would really worry me. We don't need more than one of him," I smirk at him.

He snorts in response, "Guess your right about that." A small smile crosses his lips.

"You know what I'm wondering? How are we going to fix your arm?" Hawke turns his head to look at the spot where the rest of my arm lay.

I stared at it and quickly thought through all my options which led to one conclusion, "We don't"

"Are you sure about that High dragon?" Varric asks softly.

I sigh in defeat, "Yep, I just don't have the tools or the materials to fix it. I'm going to have to relearn how to fight with one arm."

Hawke gives me a stern look , "Until than though you'll be staying **out** of fights."

I snort and look at him with a smile, "Of course, mother."

"Now that that's done. How about you tell us your story from the beginning," Varric suggests.

"Alright, Well it all started when my father left the Vault…."

Notes: just a quick chapter right now. My plan is to summarize most of the events of fallout 3 and new vegas in a way that will reveal some critical information to you the reader but not to the characters, some information will not make it onto the next couple chapters based on both my own memory and Shay's. also if you have any asks you can find my writing tumblr here:

and my main here (though it's mainly tarot reading right now)


	13. Chapter 13

Before this chapter begins i just want to say thank you to everyone for their support and do a quick shout out to tumblr users timberhound and artem-silence, Thank you both so much! I'll leave a link at the bottom of artem-silences wip of Shay. It looks amazing!

Before I was courier 6, before I was the Wanderer I was only me, someone who knew nothing of the wastes, someone who when people looked at me saw an image I didn't wholly agree with. Before I was the wander, before I was Shay, before I left the vault I was someone else. Someone that is long dead. I buried her, when I buried the body of my father. But I'm getting ahead of myself, so first let me tell you a story of a girl who left the vault to eventually die.

I was crying, next to the body. The first thing that had happened, when I left the vault, was getting attacked by this person. I was scared, everything had happened so fast. I left the vault for this? For this wasteland, for this person to attack me?

I sobbed and tried to breathe out calmly. I could do this, I could find my dad and convince him to come back.

I looked at the body next to me, remembering how it took 3 shots to kill her. I choked back another sob and looked back at her with determination. If this was how the world was then I'd need to become stronger or better yet someone else entirely.

I moved and started removing her leather armor, cleaning off the blood with a torn piece of cloth. She had a dagger in a harness across her chest, a memory of how a guard grabbed me by the hair surfaced. I quickly grabbed it and started cutting my hair until it was a short frizzy, uneven mess.

I took my time dressing in the leather armor before I moved to the large structure in the middle of the wastes. I took a deep breath and stepped inside to be greeted by the first friendly citizens I've met since entering the wasteland.

Lucas Simms was the first to greet me and the first to make me realize it might be better off if people didn't know who I really was. Why? Because it was better to be a nobody than a somebody; it made it more difficult to find my dad but it also protected us both in a way.

"What's your name boy?"

The name that had popped out of my mouth before I could really stop myself was Shay. It was the name of a Hero from one of the many books I read. They were smart and kind, a hero I could look up to and hope to one day become. I knew this was far from being a fairy tale especially with so many dangers around the corner.

The dangers didn't stop me though from becoming a hero to Megaton, by disarming the bomb people cheered and looked at me as someone who could be counted on. And if that didn't go to my head, I don't know what did because after that I helped everyone who looked at me like they were a kicked puppy. Which I had only found out recently, by discovering dogmeat, that it looked pretty sad.

It was during one such adventure, that I found a leather binder. At first, I only wore it when entering populated areas like megaton or Rivet city. When I did wear it though, a sense of euphoria would fill me every time someone mistook me for a guy or saw myself in a reflection. It was a spark that lit a fire and the brighter it burned the more I felt like my true self but every time i had to douse the fire i felt like i was in someone else's skin. Soon, I began to realize I was just as much Shay as he was me.

It took challenge after challenge to find my dad and when I finally did, we were both unrecognizable to each other. He was someone who had abandoned me and left me at the vault but he was also someone that just wanted to help the people out here. And me… I was far different than either of us could imagine. He was proud of me and he was happy that I was finding myself, I'd always be his child.

I stayed with him as long as I could before everything went to shit. All my effort seemed like it was for nothing but death. I watched as my father struggled to the door, each breath of his a single heartbeat of mine. "I love you…son," with his final words she died with him. She no longer had a need exist and thus I was allowed full reign to be myself, to fully be Shay.

[ Now before I go any further I think it's important that I say this out loud, something to reaffirm to myself, a reminder of something to be proud of. I am transgender, I am Shay, I am male, I am fully me even the parts of myself I no longer talk about. Now that that's done, back to my story]

Before I finished my dad's legacy, before I put him and my old life fully behind; I discovered a surgeon who could not only change my face but my body. Pinkerton I discovered searching for an android, and with a little convincing he said he could help me as well. I kept the binder as a reminder but I never needed it again.

It was time to get my life back on track, to finish my dad's legacy, I needed to get into a vault. A vault surrounded by radiation. The only way in was through a bunch of little kids in a cave called little lamplight.

I fell in love with little lamplight. It was a haven where I got to help kids and though they didn't need much care I had a blast telling them my many stories of the wastes. They helped keep me sane after Dad had died. But I couldn't be there for them forever.

Getting into the vault and meeting Fawkes had be a pleasant surprise, getting captured by the enclave had been a nightmare. and though it was an easy escape I was left wondering whether to trust anyone because I was beginning to feel used on both sides.

With Fawkes help we were able to start the water purifier, making pure water for everyone. Even so me and Sentinel Lyons ended up in comas after severe exposure to the radiation.

I woke up but after that though… it gets fuzzy. I remember a war of some kind, I remember being a slave, I remember so many strange things that just don't make sense; Aliens, a cursed swamp, even a military program? It all seemed so unrealistic but I have the memories, I have the scars so they must be real.

I remember fighting with the new head of the Brotherhood. Disagreeing with how they were running things. I left, no… I ran… and became a courier traveling across the country towards New Vegas. I remember an explosion of some kind and I remember dying only to suddenly wake up in a bed with an older man asking me if I was alright.

Here's artem-silence's wip of shay

Notes: I've written this chapter in honor of October 11th the day I came out to everyone as transgender. This chapter was something extremely personal to me and something I had always planned on writing for Shay. I wanted to capture the transition from Shay's old self to his current self, while also showing something that I don't usually hear or read about. This is gender euphoria (the opposite of gender dsyphoria) where you experience a sense of euphoria when dressed or presenting as the gender you identify with. It's the first thing I experienced when I was first discovering my identity, later i developed dsyphoria but for Shay's journey i wanted to focus on euphoria because again it's not something i see people write often about.  
Also remember that most of the information Shay relays in these next couple chapters will be something we know but not his companions. Like Shay being transgender is something we know but not Hawke and the others. I also felt it was important for Shay to say he is transgender so that there leaves no doubt about it. I also know i got really metaphorical with Shay's older self "dying", for me this is just Shay killing his old identity. It's a dead identity but that doesn't mean he's a completely different person. And now that I've over explained everything; I hope that you've enjoyed Shay's story so far and look forward to whats to come!


	14. Update

Alright, I know it's been awhile since I've posted much of anything and I don't want to get anyone's hopes too high but I decided to inform you all that I'm (slowly) working on a re-edit and hopefully later a continuation of Shay's story. I love Shay's story but I've had such a hard time with it because instead of going back and revising it in a way I liked, I would just post chapters as they came out. To me it feels like Shay's story has come out rushed and with not a lot of... idk meat? This has also led to issues were i don't know how to continue the story or what to even write. I've also been in a losing fight with my anxiety and depression for the past year. Slowly though it's been improving and when i say I'm slowly working on this I mean it. I have my good days and a lot of bad days to be honest but i don't expect myself to jump up and be better right away.

So I'm going to take my time and try to get out a story I can be extra proud of and one that I hope you'll all enjoy. I'm hoping as I make progress with the story I might find beta readers because I would like help finding any writing mistakes i may have made or places where the text might not make sense, but at this time I'm not quite ready for that.

At this time I may or may not post to depending on how swiftly (or at all) they deal with the bigoted comments I've gotten, that I'm pretty fucking sure i reported when I first got them but are still present.

To the guest who showed interest in learning more about Shay being transgender, thank you! I use he/they pronouns and If all goes according to plan Shay will talk a bit more about being trans to some other characters in the future.

To the people who have posted amazing support of this story thank you so much! I'm happy you all enjoyed it and I hope to make it even better!

To any assholes who think I need to know your a bigoted fuckhead please fuck-off.


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